Out of Office Auto Replies

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over)

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks

7: I've run away to join a different circus

How many LibDems does it take to change a lightbulb?

The obvious answer was two: one to change the bulb and one to write the Focus article publicising it...

However, after careful thought, it seems this number would be inadequate, because you need:

One to suggest changing it

One to disagree on the need for change

One to suggest a resident's survey on whether it should be changed

Several to carry out the residents' survey

One to analyse the results and decide it needs to be changed

One to change it

One to suggest that it should be a Focus article

One, not previously involved, to write the article (eventually, because neither of the aforementioned ever got round to it!)

One to print the Focus......

Several more to criticise the article, most unaware of the location of the lightbulb and possibly some unaware of what a lightbulb is

The more practical among us have suggested it needs only one - but the lightbulb must really want to change!

"Jesus is watching you"

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score and then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed..

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Race Night

With Federal Conference fast approaching, I thought you might be interested to hear about the Liberal Democrat Youth and Student Race Night, which is back for another year.

Race Night is an event run every year at Autumn Conference by LDYS and is renowned for being one of the best social events of the party calendar.

This year’s event will be hosted by Ed Davey MP, in the Princess Suit at the Imperial Hotel, Blackpool on Saturday 17th September starting at 8.30pm.

Sponsoring a race costs just £70. Benefits of sponsoring a race include:

* Having your name, organisation or company name in the race night programme, showing your support for LDYS and having your name mentioned on the night!

* A free half page advertisement in our programme.

* Six free programmes, which means free entrance into the event for up to six people

* You choose the name of the race.

This is one of the most cost-effective ways of getting your message across at Autumn Conference while supporting LDYS.

We are also selling space for advertisements in our A4 programme separately:

* £5 for 200 words

* £10 for quarter of a page

* £15 for half a page

* £30 for a full page

One of the simplest ways to get involved is by sponsoring a horse in a race. This costs just £10 and if your horse wins its race, you win a small prize and go through to the final race.... If you win the final race then, you win the grand prize.

I very much hope that you will want to get involved in our event this year. For more information and details of the event, please contact Naomi Smith on 020 7227 1387 or ldysadmin@libdems.org.uk